Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Donald Trump says that when it comes to eating pizza, he doesn't care for the crust.  Can you imagine Donald Trump not liking something associated with the word dough.

Sarah Palin took a break from her One Nation bus tour to visit Donald Trump in New York City and share a pizza.  Then it was back on the bus.  See, this is actually Sarah's new job: delivering pizzas. 

We only see one side of the bus, with the One Nation logo.  The other side says Dominos.

And by the way, Sarah Palin confided to Greta Van Susteren that Donald Trump is a lousy tipper.

And Greta complained to her bosses at Fox News that she's really getting tired of Sarah Palin calling her Gretchen Van Cistern.

Sarah Palin visited a cemetery at Gettysburg the other day.  She wanted to lay wreaths on the graves of all those patriotic Alaskans who gave their lives for the Union during the Civil War. 

Today she's taking the bus through the Holland Tunnel.  She says she can't wait to get to the other side and see all those windmills and tulips and the kids walking around in their wooden shoes. 

The media is having a hard time catching up with Palin's bus tour because her people won't tell reporters where she's going to stop next.  At least they can be reasonably sure she won't stop at any place that sells newspapers and magazines. 


Sarah Palin can blow more smoke on a tour bus than Willie Nelson. 



Well, today is a good day for Congressman Anthony Weiner.  He's looking at lucrative endorsements from both Hanes Underwear and Hebrew National.

If you don't know by now, a picture of a man's bulging underwear showed up the other day on Representative Weiner's Twitter account.   He's already getting laundry tips from the folks at Cheer on how to keep his whites white.


Mitt Romney has announced his presidential candidacy while on a farm in New Hampshire.  A farm was the perfect setting for Romney's  announcement.  He felt right at home wading in all the bullshit.


Romney said that Barack Obama has failed America and if elected he thinks he can do the job just as well. 




.....all for now....thanks for stopping by!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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49% of Republicans polled by CNN say they would support Sarah Palin's nomination for president in 2012.  The other 51% polled were not residents of the Wasilla Psychiatric Hospital.

Kelsey Grammer is marrying Kayte Walsh, a young lady half his age.  Kelsey says it was love at first sight when he spotted her on an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras".

A spa in Santa Monica is offering its female customers a soothing, cleansing vaginal steam bath.  This is a true story.  It's a Korean treatment called chai-yok where the lady squats over a wooden stool with a hole that's filled with a warm, steamy mixture of herbs.  Wouldn't it be easier just to put a saddle on a Vicks Vaporizer?

James Burrows from Toledo, Ohio claims that he bought a piece of hard candy that bears an image of the Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus.  Either that or it's the official logo for Madonna's Hard Candy Fitness Centers.


300 passengers on a flight from Vancouver were stranded on the tarmac of JFK Airport for 11 hours with very little food and inadequate restroom facilities.  That was the good news.  The bad news is they're headed for Miami where they'll board a Carnival Cruise ship.




Residents of Brooklyn, New York are upset because the city's snowplows have not cleaned the streets and many people can't get to their jobs.  Apparently those people are the ones who work for the Brooklyn street department.


The NFL has fined Brett Favre $50,000 for failing to cooperate in the investigation of his alleged lewd photo and text transmissions to a woman who worked for the New York Jets.  Fifty thousand isn't bad.  Favre paid that much for his high speed Verizon package.


According to CNN, the East Coast blizzard has cost retailers a billion dollars in after-Christmas sales.  They've also postponed annual January White Sales because it'll be April before shoppers even want to look at anything white.


Reese Witherspoon is engaged to Jim Toth, who is a  Hollywood agent.  The couple was in negotiations for three months before he finally closed the deal.


.....that's it for today....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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President Obama carried out an annual Thanksgiving tradition at the White House.   He pardoned two turkeys.  The president makes the pardon official by yanking out those red thermometers.

Thanksgiving is the busiest holiday for travelers.  Especially if you eat at my mother-in-law's.  You're busy traveling from the table to the bathroom.

This Thanksgiving you get a bonus if you travel by air.  The TSA will stuff your bird for you right there at the airport.

One of the big movies premiering this weekend is called "Love and Other Drugs".  It's about a cocaine smuggler and a TSA agent who fall in love during an airport security pat down.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says she thinks that Abraham Lincoln was a Muslim who used his speeches to send cryptic Islamic messages.  She concluded this when she heard that Lincoln said, "You can't fool Allah the people Allah the time".


Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay has been convicted of money laundering.  Maybe next time he'll take his wallet out of his pocket before he throws his pants in the washer.


The Dalai Lama is preparing to retire.  Broadway is already planning a new musical about it.  It's called "Goodbye Dalai".


Penn State's head football coach Joe Paterno says he will return for the 2011 season.  Right now, the only thing on the team older than Joe are the uniforms.


The president of Ohio State University says that Boise State and TCU do not deserve to play in the BCS championship game.  And who's a better judge than the president of a school that also doesn't deserve to play in it?

Prince William's fiance, Kate Middleton, is so popular that a see-through dress she once bought for 30 pounds might now be worth 100,000 pounds.  And every dress that Prince Charles' wife, Camilla, owns is good for about 250 pounds.


.....thanks for reading and have a Happy Thanksgiving! 

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Last night, Larry King played host to George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara.  Larry, George, and Barbara..the only threesome older than the Holy Trinity.


The former president told Larry that the Bush family gets very emotional.  Then he threw up on him.


Tonight, Larry's guest is Dolly Parton.  Dolly Parton and Larry King....the three biggest boobs on TV.


Sarah Palin's new book is hitting the stands today.  It's called America By Heart.  That means she's spelled America correctly without looking at her notes.


In the book, Sarah Palin offers her opinion on episodes in American history.  She says she thinks Lewis and Clark picked up their sack of jawea at a trading post in St. Louis.




It would have been more fitting if Palin's book would have come out yesterday, on November 22nd, since she took a shot at President Kennedy.


Someone asked Sarah Palin if she had Plato on her bookshelf.  She said, "No, I keep it in the can so it won't dry out."


Dancing With The Stars reported that its voting system was overloaded last night.  Moderate Republican texters from Alaska were trying to write in Lisa Murkowski. 


....that's all for tonight and thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Last week, the Minnesota Vikings fined star receiver Randy Moss $25,000 for making himself unavailable to the media.   I'd be willing to give Sarah Palin $25,000 to make herself unavailable to the media.


Sarah Palin says she might run for president in 2012 "if there's nobody else to do it".  You know, like if Abraham Lincoln's not available.

Last night on Fox News with Greta Von Sustern, Sarah Palin sharply criticized the current state of journalism.   Of course she was in pretty safe company making her remarks on Fox, where there are no journalists.

Sarah Palin says that her new show on TLC documents Alaska and it is not a reality series.  As a matter of fact, any series that requires Sarah Palin to speak could not be considered reality. 

On Saturday, Daily Show's Jon Stewart was in Washington to host his Rally to Restore Sanity.  It obviously had no effect on Charlie Sheen.

The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers last night to take a 3 -1 lead in the World Series.  The Giants can finish the series in five games.  Over at NBC, Jimmy Smits only needed four to finish his series, "Outlaw".

Former President George W. Bush was at the game to throw out the first pitch.  He also declared that the Rangers had weapons of mass destruction, but as usual, he was wrong. 

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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They're calling next week's elections "mid-terms".  Which means Christine O'Donnell will be listing her polling place as one of the schools she attended.

Christine O'Donnell is just not very bright.  She thinks sushi is one of the Seven Dwarfs.


Someone asked her, "What's the capital of Delaware?"  She said, "D".

The woman's a moron.  She thinks "bullying" is an event at the rodeo. 

Her friend said to her, "Call me on my cell phone."  Christine said, "How long have you been in jail?"


Her IQ starts with a decimal.

Not real smart.  Christine thinks if the stick turns blue it means your baby will be a Democrat. 

Right now, it looks like the Republicans will come out on top in the elections next week which means John Boehner could very well be the next Speaker of the House.  Boehner is so excited he dropped the eh from his name.

If the Republicans take control of Congress, President Obama won't get anything passed.  The Republican Party could become known as The Kidney Stone Bunch.

 

The Daily Show's Jon Stewart is on a list of the nation's most respected newscasters.  Of course, the people who created the list say they still watch Walter Cronkite.

The new Batman film has a title:  The Dark Knight Rises.  Actually, that's Alaskan wolf code for "Sarah's in her chopper and she's got a gun." 

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Did everyone have a good 4th of July?  Where I live there were fireworks for a week.  I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have a boom in this country.

The Northeast section of the U.S. is hot and an entire week of triple digit temperatures is predicted.   Republican National Chairman Michael Steele calls it "Obama's weather".


Polls released over the weekend show that the American people are blaming our government just as much as they blame BP for the oil spill.  And Sarah Palin should blame the Russians just as much as she blames the political biographer next door for looking at her house.



You know when President Obama toured the Gulf recently he saw an oil-drenched duck that could barely walk.   And he was thinking, "two years from November that could be me".




Prince says that the Internet is over as far as he's concerned.  He's shut down his website and has banned YouTube and ITunes from using any of his music.  He's also changing the name of his new album, "20Ten", to "33-1/3".

A farmer in Egypt reports that his cow has given birth to a two-headed calf.  The farmer says he's naming the calf  "Moo Moo".



The farmer says the calf still can't stand up because of its heavy heads.  Fortunately,  Heidi Montag has agreed to work with the calf.

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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A study shows that the radiation Americans receive from medical scans increases our chances of getting cancer.  Of course, if you do get cancer, they call you back in for more radiation.


President Obama has been inspecting the oil spill damage first hand.  The fair and balanced headline at Fox News read:  "White House going South on oil spill".




At least Obama has been down there on the ground.  George W. Bush's idea of inspecting an oil spill would have been to fly over a Pep Boys.



Today, the president strolled the beach in Pensacola with Florida governor Charlie Crist.  Nearby a crowd was chanting what sounded like, "Save the beach! Save the beach!"  It was kind of hard to tell.  As a matter of fact, Governor Crist told President Obama, "I think they're calling you a son of a bitch!"



In Ohio, a six-story tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground.   Apparently, He didn't care for the likeness.


The only thing left in the rubble was a WWJD bracelet.


Mel Gibson issued a statement blaming the Jews. 



There's a YouTube clip of Mel's statement.  It's in English with Aramaic subtitles.


The statue of Jesus was struck by lightning right after Helen Thomas told the Jews to get the hell out of Ohio.


Sarah Palin's upset.  She can no longer see Jesus from her house.




Doesn't it tell you something when a statue of Jesus is hit by lightning but all the Gay Pride parades went off without a hitch?

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Al-Qaeda has confirmed that its Number 3 official, Mustafa al-Yazid,  has died along with his entire family, in a U.S. missile strike.  Well, when you're Number 3, you die harder.


The NBA finals begin on Thursday.  This year the match up features the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics.  That's a real surprise.  It's like getting excited over the next presidential election because it pits a Republican against a Democrat.


The Lakers are concerned about their center, Andrew Bynum.  They discovered a tear in his meniscus.  Gee, I didn't even know he was Jewish.


Today marks the first day of the 2010 hurricane season.  In the Gulf off Louisiana, British Petroleum has already rolled out the black carpet.


They say the oil leak in the Gulf is the worst in history.  As a matter of fact, the country hasn't seen this much slick since Bill Clinton was president.



Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military.  I don't know if Sarah Palin is qualified to speak on the subject.  She still thinks "Don't ask, don't tell" is the epitaph on the tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Wendel has brought his entertaining blend of humor, nostalgia, and American values to conventions, banquets, churches, and corporate functions.  If you would like to book Wendel to speak at your next event, contact him by email:  wendelspeaks@yahoo.com

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Sunday on Fox News, Sarah Palin suggested that President Obama's campaign ties to oil companies are preventing him from doing more to stop the oil spill in the Gulf.   Of course Fox News has done nothing to stop the hazardous spill they create every time Sarah Palin opens her mouth.

Bill Clinton's car was in an accident while en route to Yale University.  Apparently, his vehicle was rear ended when he suddenly hit the brakes because he forgot to supersize his order.




A college professor in New York is teaching Bob Dylan's lyrics as literature.  The class is called Dylan As A Second Language.



In Colorado, an 85-year old man has graduated from high school. He was drafted into the army during World War II while he was a junior and now he finally got his diploma.  See, if you just give it a little time, the No Child Left Behind program really works.


Tomorrow night, Kate Gosselin returns to dance again on the Dancing With The Stars finale.  Her partner, Tony Dovolani, has choreographed a three-legged dance.  He's going to dance with his  right foot while Kate dances with her two left feet.

 

Today's Jokes for Monday, April 12, 2010 by Wendel Potter

Bob Dylan's concert tour in China has been canceled.  Chinese officials say it's because some of Dylan's lyrics are too political.  Actually, what the Chinese meant was that Dylan sounds too much like an American politician. When you listen to him, you can't make heads or tails out of anything.


The reason there's a political problem with Dylan's lyrics is that the Chinese read some things from right to left.  Dylan starts at the left and stays there.


Liz Taylor is engaged.  She's 78 and he's 49.  She needed someone young enough to push her wheelchair.


Liz is marrying Jason Winters.  He's 49 years old and if he thinks Liz is sexy, then there's a real case of erectile dysfunction.


It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series.  Jon Gosselin is now claiming that Piper is really his so he's suing Sarah Palin for child support.


Sarah Palin has criticized President Obama's nuclear policy.  She likens it to a kid on the playground who's being punched by a bully and he just stands there and takes it.  You know, Sarah Palin has belonged  to four different Christian churches.  She's still looking for one that doesn't teach "turn the other cheek".


Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota.  Well, you know Toyota.  They're not too quick to put the brakes on anything.

Today's Jokes for Tuesday, March 30, 2010

NASA scientists have been asked to help figure out what caused the sudden acceleration in Toyota vehicles.  Once they've discovered the secret, NASA will be able to get to the moon in half the time.


Imagine...NASA studying motor vehicles.  Maybe next they can take their knowledge of moon craters and figure out how to fill the potholes in my street. 




The Republican National Committee wants to know why $2000 from its campaign account was spent at an erotic nightclub in West Hollywood.  An RNC staffer said he took a group of donors to the club when he heard it had an S&M theme...he thought it had something to do with the Republican Whip.




That sex-themed nightclub in West Hollywood is now on Sarah Palin's Facebook Page where she  shows a map of Republican Congressional Districts and she's drawn a circle around the nightclub with a note: You Are Here.


In Germany, the Roman Catholic Church has opened a hotline for victims of child abuse.  When they answer the phone, you say, "Bless me, Father, for you have sinned."

Wendel's Jokes for Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Northern China was hit the other day by ferocious sandstorms.  In the United States, we just call that "kids hitting the beach for spring break".


Well, Pope Benedict XVI celebrated Palm Sunday in St. Peter's Square amid the palm-waving crowds.  The Vatican couldn't come up with a donkey for the pope to ride but that's okay.  The pope's quite capable of making ass out of himself.


In Middleton, Wisconsin, the Benedictine nuns have built a solar-powered monastery.  They wanted to show the Pope that Catholics are tired of being kept in the dark.


Sarah Palin appeared at a Tea Party rally in Nevada where she told her audience that Senator Harry Reid has some explaining to do over his vote for Health Reform.  Using gambling rhetoric, Palin said that Reid needs to be told that the future of this country " is not a crapshoot". No, crapshoot is what you get whenever Sarah Palin opens her mouth.



The Tea Party rally in Nevada is being billed as a conservative Woodstock.  And it looks like they've already been into the brown acid.



The full slate of Major League regular season baseball games get underway the day after Easter.  That means the Cubs still have over a week to stay tied for first place.

Today's Jokes for Friday, March 5 by Wendel Potter

In the midst of an ongoing ethics investigation, New York Governor David Paterson is being pressured to resign.  Yesterday, his spokesman resigned. If his guide dog quits, Paterson is screwed.


The Postmaster General has asked Congress to eliminate Saturday home mail delivery.  This move would certainly save the Post Office money, but it could be cause for a lot of disgruntled residents.



The Post Office wants to cut out Saturday mail delivery to save money.  Of course that would mean shelling out overtime on Mondays since the carriers will have to drag around  an extra days' worth of mail.


If the Post Office wants to eliminate one day of mail service, why not make it Monday?  They seem to get a lot of those off anyway.


The United States census has a new twist in 2010.  It coincides with Passover.  If you're an illegal alien, you can tape cash to your doorpost and the census worker will take the money and move on.


Survivor producer Mark Burnett is pitching a TV series to the networks that would be all about Alaska as seen through the eyes of Sarah Palin.  It would be called "Oh Look!  There's Russia!"


Chelsea Clinton may be having a Jewish wedding.  She's already informed her father that a pig roast after the service is out of the question.


 In Iowa, today is Take Five Day.  Parents are being encouraged to sit down and talk to their children about alcohol abuse.  A good time to do this is just before dinner, over cocktails.

Jokes for Thursday March 4 by Wendel Potter

The head of the Russian Olympic Committee has resigned after Russia's lackluster showing at Vancouver.  It was either resign or be fired, which would still be better than the old days in Russia when you weren't fired, you were fired on.




New York Governor David Paterson is being accused of breaking ethics laws by obtaining free Yankee tickets for the 2009 World Series.  It was also reported that Paterson was disruptive at the game by repeatedly hollering, "You missed that by a mile, Ump...what's the matter..are you freakin' blind?"






It's been reported that Sarah Palin is working on a new book.  There's also talk of a reality TV show in her future as well as a movie deal.  Good for her.  Hopefully that will keep her busy well past 2012.



Sarah Palin says the book she's currently writing will be a "celebration of American virtues".   Sarah's daughter, Bristol, is helping her mother with this book on virtue.  She proofreads the manuscript every afternoon when her bastard child goes down for a nap.



On Tuesday, Sarah Palin performed a stand up comedy routine on Jay Leno's show.  It was a revelation for thousands of skilled comedians who continue to wait for their first big break on the Tonight Show:  first, you attend five colleges, then you get into sportscasting, then you get yourself elected as councilman, mayor, and finally governor, then engage in a losing, half-assed presidential campaign that involves buying lots of new clothes, free plane rides for the kids, and futile attempts at dodging questions from Katie Couric (that bitch!), then quit your job as governor so you can spend more time with your snarky family, then write a 400 page load of crap you call a memoir, become a correspondent for FOX News (a great breeding ground for clowns)then go back out and stump for the brain-dead ultra-conservative cause.........then....MAYBE THEN....Jay Leno will hire you.


Scientific research shows that methane gas is leaking through the Arctic Ocean floor and into the Earth's atmosphere.  Scientists say that this seepage of methane will wreak havoc with the entire world's climate.  There is an advantage however to having the atmosphere permeated with methane gas.  You'll be able to fart all you want and no one will know the difference.


 

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

According to an article in USA Today, Florida is the deadliest state for walkers and cyclists.  But that's only if they cross the path of a Toyota.




The price of chicken wings has risen so high that many bars and restaurants can't afford to put them on their menus.  Instead, they may have to resort to serving real buffalo wings, but it's a little dangerous when you have to shoot them down and cut off their wings.





Jay Leno is back on the Tonight Show this week, where he will be doing his monologue jokes on the headlines of the day:  a deadly earthquake, tsunami warnings, more devastating snowstorms in the Northeast, the suicide of Marie Osmond's son.....let's face it, Jay can't miss.





One thing Jay Leno can safely joke about tonight is the 2010 Winter Olympics...whoo, after two weeks someone at NBC can finally get some mileage out of the Olympics.



I heard that Jay will stop everything tonight at 12:05 to say to Conan O'Brien, "See, if you had played the game, you'd be coming on right now."






Sarah Palin is scheduled to be a guest on the Tonight Show this week.  Sarah Palin is smart.  She's already promoting her Tonight Show spot by doing a Late Show commercial with David Letterman and Oprah.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Last year, we bought a new bed. Two guys delivered it on Thanksgiving Day. They put the bed together, then they threw their coats on it.



This being Thanksgiving week, Barack Obama has the traditional presidential task of pardoning a turkey. But first it has to stand trial in New York City.



President Obama is holding his first State Dinner tonight. He invited Sarah Palin but first she wanted to know which state the dinner would be in.



Sarah Palin's book "Going Rogue" sold 300,000 copies on its first day. Bill Clinton's book sold 400,000 the day it went on sale, but keep in mind it was cheaper and came with a commemorative cigar.


Regis Philbin announced that he's having hip replacement surgery on December 1st. Christie's plans to auction off his old hip.



The final episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 aired on TLC last night. However, the Hallmark Channel is getting the whole clan back together for a holiday special on Thursday. It's called "Thanksgiving on Gosselin's Mountain".



Everyone seems to be broken up over Oprah's news that she's ending her talk show. But it's not over until September of 2011. This is like Cher doing two years of farewell tours.



After an 0-6 start, the Tennessee Titans have now won four games in a row. One more win and Titans owner Bud Adams can flip his opponents an entire hand.


Fifteen of Charles Darwin's notebooks, outlining his theory of evolution, will soon be published online. They say there is still one notebook missing. That must be the one that theorizes how some apes evolved into a subspecies called FoxNews.


This just in: President Obama announced that he intends to finish the job in Afghanistan. I guess that means we're not leaving until Afghanistanis have a health care plan in place.


Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was punched in the face Sunday morning by an irate fan. When asked about the incident, Fighting Irish Coach Charlie Weis said, "At this point, I don't consider myself a fan."

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists are now saying that most women in their 20s don't need to get a pap smear annually. After the confusion over the mammogram report this week, I did want to make sure they hadn't misspelled the word "annually".


A Russian cruise ship carrying 100 passengers has freed itself from ice in Antarctica. A cruise to Antarctica....the Russians really know how to get away from it all.


One of the passengers on the ship told a reporter, "All we were trying to do was get to Branson to see Yakov Smirnoff."


Another passenger said, "Next time we're taking a cruise along the Bering Sea. They say if you use binoculars you can see Sarah Palin's house."


Thousands of people lined up for a "Going Rogue" book signing in Michigan on Tuesday. That means that Sarah Palin actually wrote more in her book on Tuesday than she did before it was published.


Sarah Palin announced that she's quitting her book tour. She said, "I'm not going to sign any more books because I'm not going to write a second book and my fans would be hampered by my presence being shackled to an author's desk."


Oprah Winfrey announced today that she will be ending her talk show. See what an hour with Sarah Palin will do to you?

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

The NFL is trying to crack down on the number of drunken fans by limiting tailgaiting to 3-1/2 hours. Great idea ! Now the fans will get drunk first and then drive to the stadium.


Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable has benched his No. 1 quarterback JaMarcus Russell. To Tom Cable, benching simply means he punched JaMarcus in the face and knocked him into a bench.


Despite new government guidelines that say most women don't need a breast screening until they're fifty years old, insurance companies announced they will continue to pay for mammograms. See ladies, you can always count on your insurance company in a pinch.


California has passed an energy-efficient standard for manufacturers of new television sets. By 2011, the state wants to begin cutting TV energy use by 33%. That's pretty simple. Leave the TV off for eight hours a day.


Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week in, of all places, Michigan. Apparently, Palin knows her geography better than Bruce Springsteen. Not once did she refer to the state as Ohio.