Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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In baseball news, President Obama did not throw out the first ball on opening day.  Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said he would never ask the president to throw out something he has so little of.

The New York Yankees had a broken scoreboard for their home opener.  It was displaying the pitch speed at 912mph.  The scoreboard was accidentally factoring in the pitchers' normal use of steroids.


The GOP has unveiled their proposed budget, which is designed to change the face of Medicare by offering senior citizens a menu of private plans.  Isn’t that similar to what Denny’s does?


Last week on Fox News, Sarah Palin asked if the United States was in a "squirmish" with Libya.
Today, it was reported that the English department at Wasilla High School is under investigation for negligence.


State legalization of marijuana for medical use is receiving overwhelming support in the Delaware senate.  Joe Biden's already complaining that his glaucoma is kicking in again.




A woman in Florida is facing felony charges for starting a brawl last month in a Burger King while wearing a bikini.  According to police, she threw food at employees and jumped up on the counter and hit somebody with a large container.  Which turned out to be her bikini top.


In Portland, Oregon, they're playing classical music at a busy city transit center in hopes of discouraging loiterers.  Wouldn't it be more discouraging to just run them over with a bus?


Charlie Sheen's live show bombed in Detroit this weekend.  He was booed off the stage.  It could have something to do with the fact that he drove onstage in a foreign car.




Charlie and his ex-wife have reached a custody agreement.   She gets the kids three weeks a month, he gets them one week a month,  and their bartender gets them on weekends.


.............thanks for stopping by!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Wyoming leads the country in the use of chewing tobacco.  There's a reason for that.  Out in Wyoming, you can spit farther.


West Virginia came in second in the nation's consumption of chewing tobacco.  If you spit anywhere in West Virginia, chances are good you'll hit your cousin.





Minnesota's U.S. representative Michele Bachman is claiming that President Obama's upcoming trip to India is going to cost us $200,000,000  a day.  By the way, Michele Bachman has a new stress management video.  She teaches you to relax and focus on something calm and serene, like a quiet ocean without so much as a ripple.  It's a DVD of her brain wave activity.


Daylight Saving Time is over this weekend.  Saturday night we set our clocks back, which means Charlie Sheen has an extra hour to stay up on crack cocaine.




The failure to legalize marijuana in California didn't change anything.  Convenience store sales of munchies are just as high as ever.


Ryan O'Neal and his daughter, Tatum, will appear in their own reality TV series.  It's called, "I'll Smoke It If You Will".




Former teen idol and  Partirdge Family star David Cassidy was arrested in Florida for DUI.  I guess when a 60-year old man wearing a paisley shirt is weaving all over the road in a psychedelic bus, he's bound to attract attention.


Now that the Republicans are taking control of the House of Representatives,  Nancy Pelosi says she will run for minority leader.   In our Congress, stepping down as Speaker of the House and becoming minority leader is like the Madam of a brothel getting demoted to Chief Whore.




......and thanks for reading


















 

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Prop 19, which would have legalized marijuana in California, didn't pass in Tuesday's elections.  Too many voters in favor of it never got around to voting.  They just stood there in the booth, reading the ballot and going, "Oh wowww!"


Our three astronauts up there on the International Space Station voted yesterday.  Aren't you glad you're not in their precinct?


Harry Reid won the U.S. senate race in Nevada against Sharron Angle.  They say they think Angle received only 30% of the vote from Hispanics but they weren't sure...the voters could have been Asian.


Write in candidate Lisa Murkowski is doing well in Alaska's election   On Alaska's ballot,  there are three different ways to vote.  You can make an X, you can write in the name of a candidate,  or you can dial 1-800-868-3407 to vote for Bristol Palin and her dancing partner Mark Ballas. 




California governor Arnold Schwarznegger has placed a ban on using a welfare debit card to pay for consultations with psychics.  He might as well just ban the psychics since California doesn't have a future anyway.



Madame Tussaud's in New York has unveiled a wax figure of Taylor Swift.  Beautiful!  I haven't seen a wax job like that since the nude version of The Coneheads.


In New York, the Knicks-Magic game was postponed at the Garden last night after chunks of debris and dust was seen falling from the ceiling.  Turns out it was just Charlie Sheen climbing the walls and trashing the place.



Maintenance officials at the Garden climbed into the rafters to check out the source of the falling debris.  And while they were up there they discovered one of David Letterman's secret bedrooms.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Last week, the Minnesota Vikings fined star receiver Randy Moss $25,000 for making himself unavailable to the media.   I'd be willing to give Sarah Palin $25,000 to make herself unavailable to the media.


Sarah Palin says she might run for president in 2012 "if there's nobody else to do it".  You know, like if Abraham Lincoln's not available.

Last night on Fox News with Greta Von Sustern, Sarah Palin sharply criticized the current state of journalism.   Of course she was in pretty safe company making her remarks on Fox, where there are no journalists.

Sarah Palin says that her new show on TLC documents Alaska and it is not a reality series.  As a matter of fact, any series that requires Sarah Palin to speak could not be considered reality. 

On Saturday, Daily Show's Jon Stewart was in Washington to host his Rally to Restore Sanity.  It obviously had no effect on Charlie Sheen.

The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers last night to take a 3 -1 lead in the World Series.  The Giants can finish the series in five games.  Over at NBC, Jimmy Smits only needed four to finish his series, "Outlaw".

Former President George W. Bush was at the game to throw out the first pitch.  He also declared that the Rangers had weapons of mass destruction, but as usual, he was wrong. 

Today's Jokes for Thursday, March 11 by Wendel Potter

Scientists claim that the quake in Chile caused a shift in the earth's axis. This conclusion was confirmed after studying YouTube clips of an interchange between Eric Massa and Glenn Beck.


Eric Massa alleges that he was approached by a naked Rahm Emanuel in the locker room of the House gym. Massa says that Rahm was screaming and repeatedly jabbed at him with his finger. Massa said he finally told Emanuel "Stop poking me with your finger. If you're going to poke me, do it right."


Charlie Sheen is out of rehab. Or as they call it in Hollywood, Rehab: The Sequel.


Charlie's back to work on Two and a Half Men, but rehab took so much out of him CBS is changing the show's title to 1 and 3/4 Men.


The Pittsburgh Steelers are offering a new version of the Terrible Towel to female fans.  It comes with a lock and key.


A high school in Mississippi is canceling prom altogether because a senior girl, who is a lesbian, requested that she could bring her female date and would be allowed to wear a tuxedo.  In spite of ACLU objections, this kind of thing will not be tolerated by the school.  After all, nobody in Mississippi wears a tuxedo.


Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim has become the richest man in the world.....and he didn't even have to sneak across the border to do it.



And this, from the Who Really Cares Department:  After years of intense study, sociologists have finally discovered who put the bop in the bop she bop.  Turns out it was the same guy who put the H in Jesus H Christ.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Florida football coach Urban Meyer announced on Saturday that he was resigning due to health reasons. On Sunday, he announced that he was not resigning, he just needs time off. I think that's what you call Urban renewal.



Urban Meyer announced his resignation on Saturday and on Sunday he said he would return as Florida's head coach after all. Meyer is still learning. Brett Favre called and told him, "You should have waited way longer before you announced your comeback, dude!"



Indy quarterback Peyton Manning was unhappy about being yanked in the 3rd quarter yesterday, along with other key players, and ultimately losing to the New York Jets, dashing all hopes of a perfect season. But he respected Colts coach Jim Caldwell's decision and watched the rest of the game from the bench. Meanwhile, Brett Favre showed up on the sidelines and told Caldwell, "I'm going in."



President Obama visited a classroom of children during Christmas week and read The Polar Express. Then he explained how the Polar Express is really a metaphor for his chilly, rapidly declining approval ratings.



Britney Spears posted a "B.S." alert on her website, naming the top 75 most ridiculous stories printed about her during 2009. Next week, she'll post the ones that aren't true.



Archaeologists in Israel have unearthed the remains of a house in Nazareth, dating back to the time of Jesus. They think it may even be the house of Jesus himself. They found a letter from a Nazareth grammar school addressed to the parents of a student in the gifted program.



The Christmas week weather was nasty all over. Europe was even hit by bad weather. It was so cold in France you couldn't tell if everyone's faces were frozen or if they were just glaring rudely as usual.


Former President Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn have been married for 63 years. He says that when he first asked her to marry him, she turned him down. Then she saw the size of his peanuts.


Over the holidays, Jon Gosselin's New York apartment was trashed. That would be by him living in it.


An Associated Press story reporting on Jon Gosselin's apartment break-in refers to Gosselin as a
"reality star". Wrong on both counts.


Charlie Sheen spent most of Christmas day in jail after being arrested following a domestic dispute with his wife. Charlie has a violent temper. Christmas at the Sheen house is known as "Two and A Half Trees".