Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

________

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated after 25 years of marriage.  He said, "I'll be back!" and she said, "Like hell you will!"

Donna Douglas, who played Elly May Clampett on the The Beverly Hillbillies television series, is suing Mattel for creating the Elly May Barbie doll in her likeness.  Ms. Douglas is now 77 years old.  Actually she could sue twice because the Granny Clampett doll looks like her, too.

President Obama has sent Donald Trump what he's been looking for....Osama bin Laden's death certificate in long form.


Osama bin Laden's sons have accused the United States of violating international law by killing an unarmed man. That's not true...he had both his arms.






Bin Laden's sons say the United States killed an unarmed man.   Bin Laden was a mastermind...so they shot him in the head...where he was armed.

Last night on Dancing With The Stars, it was revealed that Ralph Macchio was dancing hurt with a cyst behind his knee.  Oh come on, Ralph!  You've got Karina Smirnoff gyrating and rubbing up against you and the only lump you develop is behind your knee?

It looks like the big summer blockbuster movie is Thor....which happens to be one of the words King George had a problem with in last year's blockbuster, The King's Speech.

Hugh Hefner and his fiancee Crystal Harris have sent out invitations to their June 18th wedding.  Isn't it nice that an 85-year old man is confident enough to plan that far ahead?


Apparently, Hef's hearing is going south.  He's been asking his guests to bring plenty of Depends.  Crystal told him, "We're having a wedding, not a wetting!" 




Did you read about that elderly couple in California that got married?  She's 90 years old and he turned 100 on their wedding day.  They didn't actually tie the knot...they used velcro.


The Dallas Mavericks swept their series with L.A., knocking the Lakers out of chance to play in the NBA Championship finals.   Look on the bright side.  This gives the Staples Center a little extra time to get Jack Nicholson's courtside chair reupholstered before next season. 


..........all for now and thanks for reading!

________

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

________

A 5.9 tremor hit southern California yesterday.  Actually they're not sure yet whether it was an earthquake or if NBA fans were just shrugging when they heard that the Lakers weren't on Lebron James' list.


Tonight, Lebron James announces his much awaited decision on which NBA team he will be joining next season.  New York is excited.  If Lebron chooses the Knicks, they're going to drop a huge basketball in Times Square.

The Knicks have been so lousy lately, when they heard the forecast that the heat was hitting town this week, they said "Here's another one we're going to lose to Miami."

Linsday Lohan is going to jail.  She says she's going to make constructive use of her time there. She's going to concentrate on developing a new line of fingernail polish called  "F-Bomb".

Lindsay's product slogan will be, "Let your finger do the talking". 



Those 10 Russian spy suspects are expected to plead guilty today, which means they will then be sent back to Russia in exchange for a scientist who has been accused of spying for the West.  That's an interesting exchange: 10 for 1.  We tried to make it 11 for 1 but Russia didn't want Yakov Smirnoff back. 

According to BP, the oil leak in the Gulf could be stopped this month.  The new plan is to send Joran Vandersloot down to stick his finger in the hole and keep it there the rest of his life.





The Emmy nominations have been announced for this year.  Once again they didn't include my favorite TV pick:  the Off Button.

________

My columns appear on www.wendelpotter.com

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

 ________

Yesterday was Father's Day.  This year one of the biggest selling Father's Day gifts for fishermen, that wives  were buying for their husbands, was a new ultra-tech state of the art depth finder.  It actually tells you how much hot water you're going to be in after you've been out fishing too long.


American Idol announced that it's lowering its minimum age to 15.  An hour later,  Lawrence Taylor announced the same thing.


There's a Lakers victory parade being held in Los Angeles today.  One of the floats will feature Ron Artest lying on a couch while his psychiatrist sits in a chair taking notes. 


My wife says that sports and psychiatrists must go together, that's why I spend so much time on the couch.

Another Lakers Fans Riot has been scheduled immediately following the parade.


After the NBA Championship game last Thursday night, the Lakers all thanked their wives, their moms, their coaches, their god, even their psychiatrists.  But once again the three most important people got left out:  mistresses, lawyers, and bail bondsmen.


  
Lady Gaga was thrown out of the New York Yankees clubhouse because she appeared drunk and was coming on to some of the players.  Members of the Yankees team said that Lady Gaga had no business doing that.  They said, "Hey!  That's our job."


Lady Gaga was dressed in knickers and a black bra with a Yankee shirt that was unbuttoned.  Yankees management was furious with her for revealing the new look for next season's uniforms.

________

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

________

Laura Ling is paying tribute to Bill Clinton, who helped negotiate the reporter's release from a North Korean prison last year.  She's naming her new baby daughter after the former president.   At first everyone was confused.  They thought Laura was naming the kid Slick because she was born during the oil spill.

Why name the kid after Clinton?  Wasn't handing out cigars tribute enough?

The chief of British Petroleum said today that his company vows to clean up every drop of oil from the spill.  You know BP.  They really mean business.  They've already got a crew from Jiffy Lube on standby.

The British Petroleum CEO said BP plans to return the Gulf Coast to its original state...which I believe is France.


That oil slick is getting closer to Florida's beaches.  But not to worry.  BP has already promised to change the sand every 3 months or 3 million gallons, whichever comes first.


And it's being reported today that tar balls are appearing on Florida's shore.  They don't know yet if the tar balls are coming from the oil spill or from  residents of a nearby retirement community who forgot their Depends.


Robert L. McNeil, the man who, in 1955, introduced Tylenol as an alternative pain reliever, has passed away. According to family,  his epitaph will read:  Bob's not dead, he's just been recalled.


A bad call by an umpire spoiled a perfect game for Detroit Tigers' pitcher Armando Galarraga Wednesday night.  Face it, any time an umpire is involved in a game, it's not going to be perfect.


The LA Lakers dominated the Boston Celtics in the opening game of the NBA finals last night.  Notable Laker fan Jack Nicholson said, "It was like watching the game through rose-colored glasses."


The wife of baseball great Mark McGwire gave birth to triplets.  One more and it would have been a grand slam.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Al-Qaeda has confirmed that its Number 3 official, Mustafa al-Yazid,  has died along with his entire family, in a U.S. missile strike.  Well, when you're Number 3, you die harder.


The NBA finals begin on Thursday.  This year the match up features the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics.  That's a real surprise.  It's like getting excited over the next presidential election because it pits a Republican against a Democrat.


The Lakers are concerned about their center, Andrew Bynum.  They discovered a tear in his meniscus.  Gee, I didn't even know he was Jewish.


Today marks the first day of the 2010 hurricane season.  In the Gulf off Louisiana, British Petroleum has already rolled out the black carpet.


They say the oil leak in the Gulf is the worst in history.  As a matter of fact, the country hasn't seen this much slick since Bill Clinton was president.



Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military.  I don't know if Sarah Palin is qualified to speak on the subject.  She still thinks "Don't ask, don't tell" is the epitaph on the tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

________

Wendel has brought his entertaining blend of humor, nostalgia, and American values to conventions, banquets, churches, and corporate functions.  If you would like to book Wendel to speak at your next event, contact him by email:  wendelspeaks@yahoo.com

________

Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if LA continues its boycott.   Now that's pretty scary when your electricity comes from a state that's already in the dark.

Arizona is thinking about cutting off its own electricity this weekend.  They figure the Suns have a better shot at beating the Lakers if they play in the dark.

In Philadelphia,  Independence Hall was evacuated after a guard found a balloon filled with a white powder.   And earlier, that same guard found crack in the Liberty Bell.

Yesterday, while President Obama was speaking in the Rose Garden, a rodent scurried past the president's podium.  Obama was announcing the end of the Senate filibuster on his financial overhaul package.  The rodent turned out to be a Wall Street executive trying to flee a sinking ship.

I'm not sure why that rat got so much media coverage.  A rat in Washington is not news.


According to USA Today, the rate of jobless claims fell in 34 states.  Coincidentally, in those same states, the death rate among working age citizens is up.




Rand Paul said today that President Obama's criticism of British Petroleum is un-American.  Isn't criticism of the British the way we became Americans in the first place?