Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Well, it turns out Oprah's not really leaving.  She'll return in September after waking up from a dream to find herself in bed with a psychiatrist's wife named Emily.

Someone asked Oprah if she has any regrets after 25 years on television.  She looked up from her wallet and said, "Quiet, I'm still counting."


Oprah has finally revealed  her favorite guest of all time:  her accountant.

The Chicago Cubs say the crowd noise from the studio audience at Oprah's final farewell shows is the loudest thing they've heard since their last away game.

A couple in Canada recently had a baby and they're not telling anyone whether it's a boy or a girl.  The only thing they'll say is that the child is not Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Actress Jane Seymour told CNN that Arnold Schwarzenegger has two more illegitimate children.  She says she wishes Arnold would come and get them, they're driving her crazy.

President Obama was in Ireland this week and celebrated his Irish roots.  Fox News has reported that it has traced Obama's ancestry and that  Moneygall, Ireland actually was the home of Obama's great great great grandfather.....Kunte McKinte.


John Edwards is being indicted on charges that he violated campaign laws by using donations to cover up his extramarital affair.  If convicted, Edwards could receive 5 to 10 years--of having his hair done at Cost Cutters.


Last night, Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward won this season's Dancing With The Stars competition, but he walked away empty-handed.  Kirstie Alley ate the Mirror Ball Trophy. 




.....all for now....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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You've probably seen that photo on all those gossip shows of Arnold Schwarzenegger, puffing on that big cigar .  By the way, the wrapper said,  It Was A Boy!

The Arnold story has been all over the news this week.  Boy, when he says, "I'll be back!", he means it. 

Why do they keep referring to his son as a "love child"?  Isn't he more like a "Passion Prince"?

Oprah has taped her final talk show.  Audience members were told to look under their seats where they found a roll of duct tape to put over their mouths so we don't have to listen to all that infernal screaming.

Oprah says she's going to reveal her favorite guest of all time.  I figure, at one guest a day, five times a week,  52 weeks a year for 25 years...that's about  6500 guests.  Which means Oprah is going to tell us who her favorite is...and piss off 6,499 other guests.


Somewhere, Johnny Carson is going, "What's all the fuss?"


In a special televised address this morning, President Obama revealed his new foreign policy toward North Africa.  The president said that North Africa is so damn close to home he can hardly call it foreign. 


Al Qaeda has released another Osama bin Laden audiotape, made just days before his death.  Most of it's unintelligible because it was made in a basement with Bob Dylan and The Band.  


Ron Paul says he's running for president.  He's in favor of legalizing prostitution.  In other words, if Ron Paul becomes president, we'll have to start paying the government to screw us. 




Mitt Romney has raised $10 million for his campaign in just eight hours.  That's a buck a piece from each member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.


A woman in England says she is allergic to electricity.  You can't tell her the power bill is nothing to sneeze at.




A woman in California has been charged with injecting her 8-year old daughter with Botox.   She could have gotten the same results by letting the kid feed her face at McDonalds.


....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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There's a new blood test available that supposedly can tell you how long you're going to live.  I tried it.  It's the first time I've seen a lab tech with a swami's turban and a crystal ball.



Well, the truth is out.  Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered an illegitimate child more than a decade ago.  Of course, his estranged wife Maria is from the Kennedy bloodline.  When she heard the news, she said, "Oh, is that all?"

Why does the press call the offspring from an affair a "love child"?  How about something closer to the truth, like "little bundle of uh-oh".





Arnold fathered the child with a member of the household staff.   Apparently, Maid's Night Out turned into Nights Made Out. 

Looks like Arnold's gone from role model to roll-in-the-hay model. 

It's a little late in the game now for Arnold to start proving that he's a real politician.


Donald Trump announced he is not going to run for president.  This changed employment figures dramatically.  Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, and Conan all laid off half their writing staff.

Mike Huckabee says he is dropping out of the presidential race.  He found out there's a zoning law prohibiting him from putting his pickup truck on blocks on White House property.

"Karate Kid" star Ralph Macchio was voted off  Dancing With The Stars last night.  Before he departed, he wiped out the judges with a roundhouse kick, then split the "coveted Mirror Ball Trophy" in half with his hand. 

Ralph says he knows now what went wrong with his performance.  He kept listening to a voice telling him to "use the force".  It took him 9 weeks of dancing to realize he was in the wrong movie.



The United States Post Office may not have the money to pay its medical insurance premiums by September.  This will really slow service down when the mail carriers can't afford to get their bunions removed.


.......that's it for now....thanks for stopping by

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated after 25 years of marriage.  He said, "I'll be back!" and she said, "Like hell you will!"

Donna Douglas, who played Elly May Clampett on the The Beverly Hillbillies television series, is suing Mattel for creating the Elly May Barbie doll in her likeness.  Ms. Douglas is now 77 years old.  Actually she could sue twice because the Granny Clampett doll looks like her, too.

President Obama has sent Donald Trump what he's been looking for....Osama bin Laden's death certificate in long form.


Osama bin Laden's sons have accused the United States of violating international law by killing an unarmed man. That's not true...he had both his arms.






Bin Laden's sons say the United States killed an unarmed man.   Bin Laden was a mastermind...so they shot him in the head...where he was armed.

Last night on Dancing With The Stars, it was revealed that Ralph Macchio was dancing hurt with a cyst behind his knee.  Oh come on, Ralph!  You've got Karina Smirnoff gyrating and rubbing up against you and the only lump you develop is behind your knee?

It looks like the big summer blockbuster movie is Thor....which happens to be one of the words King George had a problem with in last year's blockbuster, The King's Speech.

Hugh Hefner and his fiancee Crystal Harris have sent out invitations to their June 18th wedding.  Isn't it nice that an 85-year old man is confident enough to plan that far ahead?


Apparently, Hef's hearing is going south.  He's been asking his guests to bring plenty of Depends.  Crystal told him, "We're having a wedding, not a wetting!" 




Did you read about that elderly couple in California that got married?  She's 90 years old and he turned 100 on their wedding day.  They didn't actually tie the knot...they used velcro.


The Dallas Mavericks swept their series with L.A., knocking the Lakers out of chance to play in the NBA Championship finals.   Look on the bright side.  This gives the Staples Center a little extra time to get Jack Nicholson's courtside chair reupholstered before next season. 


..........all for now and thanks for reading!

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