Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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PayPal is suing Google over confidential trade secrets.  Gee, if PayPal wins, I wonder how they'll want to receive their money.

The man who abducted Elizabeth Smart and held her hostage has been sentenced to life in prison.  Shouldn't some creep like that be sentenced to no life in prison?

Oprah spent her first day off the air at home yesterday.  She was really upset, too!  She surfed all the channels and couldn't find "Oprah".


After spending a day in the house, Oprah said she was starting to feel like Lindsay Lohan. 


Oprah's driving Stedman crazy.  Last night, he told her she should look in to volunteer work just to get out of the house.

Hillary Clinton says that Pakistan is a good partner of the United States.  When it comes to partners, do we really want to trust Hillary's judgment?

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann says she has an important announcement to make next month in Iowa.  It's either that she's running for president or she's entering Iowa's annual Miss Corn Cob pageant.


President Obama is in France to attend the G8 summit.  When Sarah Palin heard this, she slapped her forehead and say, "Wow!  I could've have had a G8!"




The G8 summit is a meeting of the world's top economic powers.  So of course, President Obama was there merely as an observer.


MSNBC suspended liberal talk show host Ed Schultz for calling conservative Laura Ingram a "right wing slut".   Liberal sluts across the country say they are grateful to Ed for making the distinction.


..........have a happy Friday evening and thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Well, it turns out Oprah's not really leaving.  She'll return in September after waking up from a dream to find herself in bed with a psychiatrist's wife named Emily.

Someone asked Oprah if she has any regrets after 25 years on television.  She looked up from her wallet and said, "Quiet, I'm still counting."


Oprah has finally revealed  her favorite guest of all time:  her accountant.

The Chicago Cubs say the crowd noise from the studio audience at Oprah's final farewell shows is the loudest thing they've heard since their last away game.

A couple in Canada recently had a baby and they're not telling anyone whether it's a boy or a girl.  The only thing they'll say is that the child is not Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Actress Jane Seymour told CNN that Arnold Schwarzenegger has two more illegitimate children.  She says she wishes Arnold would come and get them, they're driving her crazy.

President Obama was in Ireland this week and celebrated his Irish roots.  Fox News has reported that it has traced Obama's ancestry and that  Moneygall, Ireland actually was the home of Obama's great great great grandfather.....Kunte McKinte.


John Edwards is being indicted on charges that he violated campaign laws by using donations to cover up his extramarital affair.  If convicted, Edwards could receive 5 to 10 years--of having his hair done at Cost Cutters.


Last night, Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward won this season's Dancing With The Stars competition, but he walked away empty-handed.  Kirstie Alley ate the Mirror Ball Trophy. 




.....all for now....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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You've probably seen that photo on all those gossip shows of Arnold Schwarzenegger, puffing on that big cigar .  By the way, the wrapper said,  It Was A Boy!

The Arnold story has been all over the news this week.  Boy, when he says, "I'll be back!", he means it. 

Why do they keep referring to his son as a "love child"?  Isn't he more like a "Passion Prince"?

Oprah has taped her final talk show.  Audience members were told to look under their seats where they found a roll of duct tape to put over their mouths so we don't have to listen to all that infernal screaming.

Oprah says she's going to reveal her favorite guest of all time.  I figure, at one guest a day, five times a week,  52 weeks a year for 25 years...that's about  6500 guests.  Which means Oprah is going to tell us who her favorite is...and piss off 6,499 other guests.


Somewhere, Johnny Carson is going, "What's all the fuss?"


In a special televised address this morning, President Obama revealed his new foreign policy toward North Africa.  The president said that North Africa is so damn close to home he can hardly call it foreign. 


Al Qaeda has released another Osama bin Laden audiotape, made just days before his death.  Most of it's unintelligible because it was made in a basement with Bob Dylan and The Band.  


Ron Paul says he's running for president.  He's in favor of legalizing prostitution.  In other words, if Ron Paul becomes president, we'll have to start paying the government to screw us. 




Mitt Romney has raised $10 million for his campaign in just eight hours.  That's a buck a piece from each member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.


A woman in England says she is allergic to electricity.  You can't tell her the power bill is nothing to sneeze at.




A woman in California has been charged with injecting her 8-year old daughter with Botox.   She could have gotten the same results by letting the kid feed her face at McDonalds.


....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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At the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage, a 5 year old boy won the annual Moose Calling contest.  His moose call was so authentic that Sarah Palin shot him.

Oprah Winfrey announced on her show Monday that she is taking the entire audience on a trip to Australia.  Oprah said this would be a whole lot cheaper than taking them to Disney World.


Fidel Castro told a magazine reporter that Nicolas Sarkozy, the president of France, is crazy.  He then went on to say that if President Kennedy doesn't back down, Khruschev will be forced to use nuclear weapons against the United States.




They're claiming that one of the dresses Lady GaGa wore at the VMAs Sunday night was actually made out of raw meat.  So that's why I'm hearing those American Beef Council commercials with Sam Elliot saying, "GaGa.  It's what's for dinner."

Ines Sainz, a female TV reporter covering last night's New York Jets game is claiming that she was harassed by the Jets' players and coaches.  One of her complaints was that during drills, footballs were thrown so close to her that they were dropping at her feet.  The Jets' receivers are claiming the same thing happens to them.

Last night, after Baltimore's victory over the Jets, Ravens' players said, "We were close to them the whole game, but we sure didn't feel harassed."

Ms. Sainz says she has accepted an apology from New York Jets president Woody Johnson.  She also noted that every team she covers seems to have a Woody.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Last night at a state dinner, President Obama toasted the prime minister of India. Then he asked him for tech support on fixing his cell phone.


The menu at the White House state dinner last night was strictly vegetarian. It was a lot like Obama's health care plan: plenty filling, but no meat.


India's Prime Minister was assured that the menu at the state dinner would be meatless, so he was alarmed when he overhead a waiter saying that he was "serving badger". Turns out the guy just meant that he'd been assigned to Katie Couric's table.


Since India's prime minister was a special guest at the state dinner, the White House served a vegetarian menu. The prime minister seemed pleased but his limousine was spotted later driving through a McDonalds.


So the state dinner honored the prime minister of India and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving: no turkey, wrong Indians.


Oprah Winfrey was invited to the state dinner, but couldn't make it. She's still at home pacing the floor, wondering how she's going to make it after her talk show goes off the air.



Steven Spielberg was at the dinner and he told Joe Biden that it was the Vice President and not the novel that inspired his film Jaws.


A Chinese medical expert warns that China could be facing a huge pandemic if the swine flu virus mixes with the bird flu virus. Another expert said that was virtually impossible, "Swine mixing with bird? When pigs fly."

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Last year, we bought a new bed. Two guys delivered it on Thanksgiving Day. They put the bed together, then they threw their coats on it.



This being Thanksgiving week, Barack Obama has the traditional presidential task of pardoning a turkey. But first it has to stand trial in New York City.



President Obama is holding his first State Dinner tonight. He invited Sarah Palin but first she wanted to know which state the dinner would be in.



Sarah Palin's book "Going Rogue" sold 300,000 copies on its first day. Bill Clinton's book sold 400,000 the day it went on sale, but keep in mind it was cheaper and came with a commemorative cigar.


Regis Philbin announced that he's having hip replacement surgery on December 1st. Christie's plans to auction off his old hip.



The final episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 aired on TLC last night. However, the Hallmark Channel is getting the whole clan back together for a holiday special on Thursday. It's called "Thanksgiving on Gosselin's Mountain".



Everyone seems to be broken up over Oprah's news that she's ending her talk show. But it's not over until September of 2011. This is like Cher doing two years of farewell tours.



After an 0-6 start, the Tennessee Titans have now won four games in a row. One more win and Titans owner Bud Adams can flip his opponents an entire hand.


Fifteen of Charles Darwin's notebooks, outlining his theory of evolution, will soon be published online. They say there is still one notebook missing. That must be the one that theorizes how some apes evolved into a subspecies called FoxNews.


This just in: President Obama announced that he intends to finish the job in Afghanistan. I guess that means we're not leaving until Afghanistanis have a health care plan in place.


Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was punched in the face Sunday morning by an irate fan. When asked about the incident, Fighting Irish Coach Charlie Weis said, "At this point, I don't consider myself a fan."

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

Well, the big money-maker this weekend features a werewolf and vampires. But enough about Sarah Palin and the McCain campaign staff.


A study shows that a box of movie popcorn and a medium soda contains 1610 calories. But cinema chains in this country are doing their part to fight obesity. They don't show double features.


Oprah Winfrey will end her talk show in September of 2011. Oprah says she wants to get out before she winds up in a higher tax bracket.



President Obama says that the focus of his trip to Asia was on creating new jobs for Americans.
He even brought back the help wanted classifieds from several Chinese newspapers which he'll post on www.whitehouse.gov.


President Obama was criticized by Fox News for bowing to the Emperor of Japan. That doesn't surprise me. Sean Hannity is still fuming over Dorothy's curtsy to the Mayor of Munchkin City.


Barnes & Noble says it's already run out of its E-reader, the Nook, and there will be no more for Christmas. They did say there could be thousands of returns, however, from guys who will be dissatisfied when they find out what kind of nook they're getting.


In an effort to cut down on drunkeness at football stadiums, the NFL is limiting tailgating hours. It's also imposed a curfew on the bar in the Titans' owner's box.


Bud Adams, the owner of the Tennessee Titans, was fined $250,000 by the NFL for flipping off the Buffalo fans at last Sunday's game. Bud didn't bat an eye at the quarter million dollar fine. It's less than the Titans have already made this week from sales of their newly designed foam finger.


In other football news, the NFL Players Association has formed a committee to look into the prevention of head injuries. Fortunately, up to this point, most NFL players have only been shot in the chest.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

General Motors says it's on the road to recovery despite showing new losses. That's like saying that Abraham Lincoln's gunshot wounds are healing nicely now that he's dead.


Governor David Patterson released his New York fiscal report today. It's called "Going Broke".


When Sarah Palin arrived at Harpo Studios to tape her appearance with Oprah, she was shown to the Green Room. Palin remarked how nice it was that Oprah dedicated an entire room to saving the environment.


Sarah Palin said that she thought Katie Couric was trying to portray her in an unfavorable light. That doesn't take much effort when you're working with a dim bulb to begin with.


Sarah Palin told Barbara Walters that on a scale of 1 to 10, she'd give President Obama a 4. Of course, Barbara was talking about Obama's presidential performance, but Palin was talking about that picture of the president with his shirt off.


Sarah is appearing on the cover of Newseek dressed in running shorts. I think there's a subliminal message there: if she enters the 2012 presidential race, once again she's going to run short.


Last night, Keith Olbermann discussed Sarah Palin's book, Going Rogue, and reported that he'd found 12 lies. Tonight on Olbermann: Chapter Two.


The American Cancer Society is upset because a government task force says that most women don't need a mammogram until the age of 50. Hey, it's the government saying this and who would know more about mammograms than a bunch of boobs?

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

The Stanford Cardinal routed the USC Trojans yesterday, 55-21. The headline in the newspaper of the Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles read: Cardinal Says No To Trojan Defense.


The weather has been chilly in LA lately. As a matter of fact, it was so cold yesterday that Pete Carroll and Matt Barkley were scraping frost off their haloes.


The Iranian Speaker of Parliament says that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush. Finally, Iran must be getting the message that we're all equal.


In her book, Going Rogue, Sarah Palin claims that Katie Couric's interview questions were repetitive and biased. But by golly, Sarah kept up with her. She had the answers to match.


It's the opinion of many that Sarah Palin will be the front-runner for the Republican nomination for the presidency in 2012. She could even end up winning the election. Hey, maybe the Mayan calendar is right.


Sarah Palin told Barbara Walters that she was devastated when she found out that her daughter, Bristol, was pregnant. She even went so far as to blame the Democrats because all the sticks were blue.


Broadway sources say that the new Spiderman musical has a $52 million budget. 52 million for Spiderman! That's 6-1/2 million bucks a leg.


On Friday night, Bruce Springsteen was performing at a concert in Michigan, but he greeted the crowd with "Hello Ohio!" and repeatedly made references to the Buckeye State before his guitarist, Steven Van Zandt, whispered to him that they were in Michigan. Of course, Bruce apologized. Then he introduced Van Zandt as Stevie Ray Vaughan.


Jon Gosselin is now suing TLC, the network that produces Jon&Kate Plus Eight. He says TLC broke child labor laws. Jon claims that he had to work more hours than the law allows for a child.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

When Sarah Palin showed up on the Oprah Winfrey Show to plug her new book, she was wearing a little too much makeup on her cheeks. See, Sarah thinks the title of her book is Going Rouge.


Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandson, is baring all for Playgirl magazine. I heard that they're calling the photo shoot "Turkey Undressing".


In Colorado, the parents of the Balloon Boy admitted in court that the whole story about their son being in that runaway balloon was a publicity stunt. However, they said the boy will actually be in the balloon when it flies down 7th Avenue during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.


Former Miss California Carrie Prejean threatened to walk off Larry King Live the other night. She returned to her seat after she found out that a King overrules a Queen.


Carrie Prejean has been back in the news admitting that she appeared in a sex tape that has recently been made public. Apparently the tape shows Ms. Prejean engaged in a solo sex act.
She claims it was part of a study to determine if a California woman can feel a vibrator during an earthquake.


In order to generate business in this economy, Las Vegas hotels are offering incredibly low room rates. Which makes it a wash because in this economy, Vegas hookers are now charging double.