Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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You've probably seen that photo on all those gossip shows of Arnold Schwarzenegger, puffing on that big cigar .  By the way, the wrapper said,  It Was A Boy!

The Arnold story has been all over the news this week.  Boy, when he says, "I'll be back!", he means it. 

Why do they keep referring to his son as a "love child"?  Isn't he more like a "Passion Prince"?

Oprah has taped her final talk show.  Audience members were told to look under their seats where they found a roll of duct tape to put over their mouths so we don't have to listen to all that infernal screaming.

Oprah says she's going to reveal her favorite guest of all time.  I figure, at one guest a day, five times a week,  52 weeks a year for 25 years...that's about  6500 guests.  Which means Oprah is going to tell us who her favorite is...and piss off 6,499 other guests.


Somewhere, Johnny Carson is going, "What's all the fuss?"


In a special televised address this morning, President Obama revealed his new foreign policy toward North Africa.  The president said that North Africa is so damn close to home he can hardly call it foreign. 


Al Qaeda has released another Osama bin Laden audiotape, made just days before his death.  Most of it's unintelligible because it was made in a basement with Bob Dylan and The Band.  


Ron Paul says he's running for president.  He's in favor of legalizing prostitution.  In other words, if Ron Paul becomes president, we'll have to start paying the government to screw us. 




Mitt Romney has raised $10 million for his campaign in just eight hours.  That's a buck a piece from each member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.


A woman in England says she is allergic to electricity.  You can't tell her the power bill is nothing to sneeze at.




A woman in California has been charged with injecting her 8-year old daughter with Botox.   She could have gotten the same results by letting the kid feed her face at McDonalds.


....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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France has been warned of a possible Al Qaeda terror threat.  Great...just one more thing to make the French ruder than they already are.

The big box office winner over the weekend, bringing in 50 million dollars, was Jackass 3D.  Apparently every kid in the nation went to see it.   I guess the No Child Left Behind program is working.




Iran has been asked to participate in a high level discussion of Afghanistan's future.  That's kind of like appointing Paris Hilton as Lindsay Lohan's probation officer.


A Vermont man sued Burger King after he claimed he found a condom in his Whopper.  Shouldn't that be the other way around?




Burger King officials say they have no idea how it got in his sandwich, but it was not a real condom...it's their newly designed Mayonnaise packet.


Former NFL star Junior Seau has been accused of hitting his girlfriend during a verbal argument.  That's what they're calling it....a verbal argument. Unfortunately for his girlfriend,  Seau can only talk with his fists. 




It's Junior who's in the hospital.  After being arrested, he posted bail, was released, then drove his SUV off a cliff.  He got into a verbal argument with his GPS and slugged it.




President Obama is set to appear on the TV science show, Mythbusters.  He's going to try to bust Myth O'Donnell, Myth Whitman, Myth Bachman, Myth Angle and Myth Palin.

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Today's Monologue Jokes by Wendel Potter

Al Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the attempted bombing of that U.S. flight on Christmas Day. Now the head of Homeland Security is saying, "See! We told you it wasn't our fault!"



Two days after a Nigerian attempted to blow up Delta Flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, another man of Nigerian descent was suspected of the same thing on the very same flight when he locked himself in the jet's restroom for over an hour. Turns out he was suffering from food poisoning. Apparently that's a deal that Homeland Security struck with Delta's food service: get them before they get us.


After the attempted attack on that airliner on Christmas Day, more airports may be using full body scanners to detect hidden explosives. Since these machines create an x-ray-like image the passenger will have to pay a deductible.



Police reports show that during that dispute on Christmas Day, Charlie Sheen held a knife to his wife's throat. Charlie's not too original. Just when using golf clubs is becoming chic in celebrity domestic violence, Charlie pulls the old butcher knife routine.


Charlie Sheen told police that his wife, Brooke, abuses alcohol. Whenever he starts drinking, she throws it down the sink.



Online retailer Amazon says that this Christmas season, it's sold more kindle books than regular books. See, the kindle is an electronic book reader and you load it with an e-book. See, the Nazis got it all wrong. They were using books for kindling.


The celebrity gossip site TMZ.com posted a crumpled, black and white snapshot that supposedly showed President Kennedy on a beach with naked women. TMZ called it "The JFK Photo That Could Have Changed History". Turns out it was a hoax. TMZ realized this after a photo expert spotted the Sahalis sunning themselves next to Kennedy.



The Chicago Bears came alive last night and beat Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings in overtime. The loss cost Minnesota home field advantage in the playoffs, which means Mall of America might be looking at a lousy first quarter in 2010.


Johnson & Johnson is recalling its Tylenol Arthritis Caplets because consumers are reporting a moldy smell. Actually, it's not the caplets that smell like mold, it's the old people who are taking the caplets.


Levi Johnston is in a battle with Bristol Palin over the custody of their child Tripp, the grandson of Sarah Palin. Levi says that he fears Sarah Palin because she is vindictive. Just last month, after Levi appeared naked in a Playgirl magazine spread, Sarah threatened to rip out his staples.