Today's Monologue Jokes by Wendel Potter

Al Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the attempted bombing of that U.S. flight on Christmas Day. Now the head of Homeland Security is saying, "See! We told you it wasn't our fault!"



Two days after a Nigerian attempted to blow up Delta Flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, another man of Nigerian descent was suspected of the same thing on the very same flight when he locked himself in the jet's restroom for over an hour. Turns out he was suffering from food poisoning. Apparently that's a deal that Homeland Security struck with Delta's food service: get them before they get us.


After the attempted attack on that airliner on Christmas Day, more airports may be using full body scanners to detect hidden explosives. Since these machines create an x-ray-like image the passenger will have to pay a deductible.



Police reports show that during that dispute on Christmas Day, Charlie Sheen held a knife to his wife's throat. Charlie's not too original. Just when using golf clubs is becoming chic in celebrity domestic violence, Charlie pulls the old butcher knife routine.


Charlie Sheen told police that his wife, Brooke, abuses alcohol. Whenever he starts drinking, she throws it down the sink.



Online retailer Amazon says that this Christmas season, it's sold more kindle books than regular books. See, the kindle is an electronic book reader and you load it with an e-book. See, the Nazis got it all wrong. They were using books for kindling.


The celebrity gossip site TMZ.com posted a crumpled, black and white snapshot that supposedly showed President Kennedy on a beach with naked women. TMZ called it "The JFK Photo That Could Have Changed History". Turns out it was a hoax. TMZ realized this after a photo expert spotted the Sahalis sunning themselves next to Kennedy.



The Chicago Bears came alive last night and beat Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings in overtime. The loss cost Minnesota home field advantage in the playoffs, which means Mall of America might be looking at a lousy first quarter in 2010.


Johnson & Johnson is recalling its Tylenol Arthritis Caplets because consumers are reporting a moldy smell. Actually, it's not the caplets that smell like mold, it's the old people who are taking the caplets.


Levi Johnston is in a battle with Bristol Palin over the custody of their child Tripp, the grandson of Sarah Palin. Levi says that he fears Sarah Palin because she is vindictive. Just last month, after Levi appeared naked in a Playgirl magazine spread, Sarah threatened to rip out his staples.