Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Well, it turns out Oprah's not really leaving.  She'll return in September after waking up from a dream to find herself in bed with a psychiatrist's wife named Emily.

Someone asked Oprah if she has any regrets after 25 years on television.  She looked up from her wallet and said, "Quiet, I'm still counting."


Oprah has finally revealed  her favorite guest of all time:  her accountant.

The Chicago Cubs say the crowd noise from the studio audience at Oprah's final farewell shows is the loudest thing they've heard since their last away game.

A couple in Canada recently had a baby and they're not telling anyone whether it's a boy or a girl.  The only thing they'll say is that the child is not Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Actress Jane Seymour told CNN that Arnold Schwarzenegger has two more illegitimate children.  She says she wishes Arnold would come and get them, they're driving her crazy.

President Obama was in Ireland this week and celebrated his Irish roots.  Fox News has reported that it has traced Obama's ancestry and that  Moneygall, Ireland actually was the home of Obama's great great great grandfather.....Kunte McKinte.


John Edwards is being indicted on charges that he violated campaign laws by using donations to cover up his extramarital affair.  If convicted, Edwards could receive 5 to 10 years--of having his hair done at Cost Cutters.


Last night, Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward won this season's Dancing With The Stars competition, but he walked away empty-handed.  Kirstie Alley ate the Mirror Ball Trophy. 




.....all for now....thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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THE SATURDAY EDITION

MAY 14, 2011

An Oregon woman underwent dental implant surgery in 2009 and woke up with an Irish accent, which she still has after a year and a half.  A doctor says it could be due to a minor stroke that causes a rare condition they call Foreign Accent Syndrome.  So Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are now convinced that President Obama had a stroke at birth in Kenya which gave him an American accent.




Having a stroke that changes your accent....wouldn't that have been funny if that had happened to Governor Wallace back in the 60s and he'd started talking like a black guy?

Newt Gingrich says that the 2012 presidential election will be the biggest since 1860.  Larry King told him, "I covered that one.  It was a lot bigger."

Gingrich is calling Barack Obama the "food stamp president".  Take out the word stamp and you have Newt Gingrich.

Oreo is introducing a new double-stuffed cookie called the Triple Double.  It's named after Newt Gingrich's chins.

Gingrich seems awfully arrogant to me.  He threw his hat in the ring earlier this week and already it's grown 3 sizes.


John Ensign is going to throw his pants in the ring.


One thing about the Republican candidates.  They definitely have enough rings for a circus. 




Illinois state senator Shane Cultra suggested this week that parents of obese children should have their standard state tax deduction withheld.   Is that cold?  Talk about taking your four hundred-and-forty pounds of flesh.




So if Cultra has his way, you won't be able to file your taxes with the Illinois Department of Revenue until your kids get a physical.




Turbo Tax is creating a new software just for Illinois residents with obese children.  It's called Jumbo Tax.




As soon as the news spread, Cultra claimed his remarks were "tongue in cheek".  You know, if we get many more politicians claiming their absurdities were meant in jest, C-Span just might become the next Comedy Central.  

NBC has decided to remove the new Wonder Woman series from its fall lineup.  Apparently, the NBC peacock complained that Wonder Woman's outfit was more gloriously colored than his.

Now that NBC has rejected Wonder Woman, it's hoping to fill the slot with Wonder Ratings. 

Ashton Kutcher is joining the cast of Two and a Half Men, replacing Charlie Sheen.  It's a step  up for the series, which will now be called Two and Two-Thirds Men.


Lindsay Lohan has dropped her last name.  Now she's just Lindsay.  Well, she was already half-baked.




It's like a reflex.  She dropped her name...then she raised her hands and stepped away.


To get even, her parents are also changing their names to just Lindsay.




A Dairy Queen in Canada has created a 10-ton ice cream dessert.  It's going to serve as comfort food for Kirstie Alley when she finally gets kicked off  Dancing With The Stars.


.....that's all for now....thanks for stopping by!

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