Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Well, it turns out Oprah's not really leaving.  She'll return in September after waking up from a dream to find herself in bed with a psychiatrist's wife named Emily.

Someone asked Oprah if she has any regrets after 25 years on television.  She looked up from her wallet and said, "Quiet, I'm still counting."


Oprah has finally revealed  her favorite guest of all time:  her accountant.

The Chicago Cubs say the crowd noise from the studio audience at Oprah's final farewell shows is the loudest thing they've heard since their last away game.

A couple in Canada recently had a baby and they're not telling anyone whether it's a boy or a girl.  The only thing they'll say is that the child is not Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Actress Jane Seymour told CNN that Arnold Schwarzenegger has two more illegitimate children.  She says she wishes Arnold would come and get them, they're driving her crazy.

President Obama was in Ireland this week and celebrated his Irish roots.  Fox News has reported that it has traced Obama's ancestry and that  Moneygall, Ireland actually was the home of Obama's great great great grandfather.....Kunte McKinte.


John Edwards is being indicted on charges that he violated campaign laws by using donations to cover up his extramarital affair.  If convicted, Edwards could receive 5 to 10 years--of having his hair done at Cost Cutters.


Last night, Pittsburgh Steeler Hines Ward won this season's Dancing With The Stars competition, but he walked away empty-handed.  Kirstie Alley ate the Mirror Ball Trophy. 




.....all for now....thanks for reading!

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Today's Monologue Jokes by Wendel Potter

The Supreme Court voted 8-1 to strike down a federal law that makes it a crime to sell videos that depict animal cruelty. ABC is relieved.  They were afraid they couldn't market any Dancing With The Stars dvds that showed Kate Gosselin's deer in the headlights look.




Well, it's official.  Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.  The other dancers paid tribute to her by observing a moment of awkward silence.


According to a USA Today interview, comedian Sarah Silverman says that she was a bedwetter.  It really became a problem for Sarah.  She once wet through a brand new mattress....and the furniture store made her pay for it.




A woman who had filed a lawsuit against illusionist David Copperfield claiming that he raped her has dropped the suit.  In other words:  Now you sue him, now you don't.




Massachusetts is using some of its Recovery Act money from the Federal Government to offer consumers up to $250 to trade in their old clunker appliances for new ones.  Chicago has asked the state of Illinois if it can come up with a similar plan for the Cubs.