Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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THE SATURDAY EDITION

MAY 14, 2011

An Oregon woman underwent dental implant surgery in 2009 and woke up with an Irish accent, which she still has after a year and a half.  A doctor says it could be due to a minor stroke that causes a rare condition they call Foreign Accent Syndrome.  So Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are now convinced that President Obama had a stroke at birth in Kenya which gave him an American accent.




Having a stroke that changes your accent....wouldn't that have been funny if that had happened to Governor Wallace back in the 60s and he'd started talking like a black guy?

Newt Gingrich says that the 2012 presidential election will be the biggest since 1860.  Larry King told him, "I covered that one.  It was a lot bigger."

Gingrich is calling Barack Obama the "food stamp president".  Take out the word stamp and you have Newt Gingrich.

Oreo is introducing a new double-stuffed cookie called the Triple Double.  It's named after Newt Gingrich's chins.

Gingrich seems awfully arrogant to me.  He threw his hat in the ring earlier this week and already it's grown 3 sizes.


John Ensign is going to throw his pants in the ring.


One thing about the Republican candidates.  They definitely have enough rings for a circus. 




Illinois state senator Shane Cultra suggested this week that parents of obese children should have their standard state tax deduction withheld.   Is that cold?  Talk about taking your four hundred-and-forty pounds of flesh.




So if Cultra has his way, you won't be able to file your taxes with the Illinois Department of Revenue until your kids get a physical.




Turbo Tax is creating a new software just for Illinois residents with obese children.  It's called Jumbo Tax.




As soon as the news spread, Cultra claimed his remarks were "tongue in cheek".  You know, if we get many more politicians claiming their absurdities were meant in jest, C-Span just might become the next Comedy Central.  

NBC has decided to remove the new Wonder Woman series from its fall lineup.  Apparently, the NBC peacock complained that Wonder Woman's outfit was more gloriously colored than his.

Now that NBC has rejected Wonder Woman, it's hoping to fill the slot with Wonder Ratings. 

Ashton Kutcher is joining the cast of Two and a Half Men, replacing Charlie Sheen.  It's a step  up for the series, which will now be called Two and Two-Thirds Men.


Lindsay Lohan has dropped her last name.  Now she's just Lindsay.  Well, she was already half-baked.




It's like a reflex.  She dropped her name...then she raised her hands and stepped away.


To get even, her parents are also changing their names to just Lindsay.




A Dairy Queen in Canada has created a 10-ton ice cream dessert.  It's going to serve as comfort food for Kirstie Alley when she finally gets kicked off  Dancing With The Stars.


.....that's all for now....thanks for stopping by!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

According to an article in USA Today, Florida is the deadliest state for walkers and cyclists.  But that's only if they cross the path of a Toyota.




The price of chicken wings has risen so high that many bars and restaurants can't afford to put them on their menus.  Instead, they may have to resort to serving real buffalo wings, but it's a little dangerous when you have to shoot them down and cut off their wings.





Jay Leno is back on the Tonight Show this week, where he will be doing his monologue jokes on the headlines of the day:  a deadly earthquake, tsunami warnings, more devastating snowstorms in the Northeast, the suicide of Marie Osmond's son.....let's face it, Jay can't miss.





One thing Jay Leno can safely joke about tonight is the 2010 Winter Olympics...whoo, after two weeks someone at NBC can finally get some mileage out of the Olympics.



I heard that Jay will stop everything tonight at 12:05 to say to Conan O'Brien, "See, if you had played the game, you'd be coming on right now."






Sarah Palin is scheduled to be a guest on the Tonight Show this week.  Sarah Palin is smart.  She's already promoting her Tonight Show spot by doing a Late Show commercial with David Letterman and Oprah.

Today's Monologue Jokes by Wendel Potter

According to his exit deal with NBC, Conan O'Brien cannot appear on TV until September 1st. That gives Carrot Top seven months to appear on TV without being mistaken for Conan.


This is the fifth straight day of rain in California. At least they're saying it's rain. Actually, it's tears falling from NBC executives as they write Conan a 40 million dollar check.


Burger King has unveiled its plan to open what they call a Whopper Bar next month in Miami. Patrons will be able to order a beer with their Whopper. I can see right now there's going to be a whole lot of super sizing going on.


According to an article in USA Today, a restaurant consultant named Linda Lipsky says that selling beer at Burger King makes sense. She says, "The Burger King customer is aging, so BK is just trying to grow up with the customer." And that's what aging customers need from Burger King...to be able to get hammered at 11 o'clock in the morning.


A judge ruled that Roman Polanski must return to the US for sentencing in his 32-year old child rape case. And while he's in California, Polanski will appear on the game show, "Are You Easier Than a 5th Grader?"