Showing posts with label conan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conan. Show all posts

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Former president George W. Bush's book, Decision Points, sold 220,000 copies on its first day.  Now the curator of the George W. Bush Library is trying to decide what to do with 220,000 copies of Decision Points.


Regarding his legacy, George Bush says he hopes he will be judged a success, but that "I'll be dead when they figure it out".  Sounds to me he plans to live forever.


Did you hear that the FDA wants to put images of diseased lungs on packs of cigarettes?  So what's next?  Putting fake vomit on a case of beer?


One of the FDA's proposals to deter smokers is to put pictures of ravaged corpses on cigarette packages.  To deter drinkers, they want whiskey bottles to bear images of the skanky whore you could wake up next to on the morning after. 

In Oklahoma, two sisters who play on their school's golf team, each recorded a hole-in-one on the same round.  They were even with the same caddy in the same clump of bushes.


Archeologists say that Neanderthals led very active sex lives.  They reached this conclusion after finding a fossilized beret and a fossilized blue dress with a fossilized stain under a fossilized desk in what appears to be the fossilized oval office of a Neanderthal leader.


A new study claims that one in ten school aged children have ADHD.   The numbers could be higher, but researchers could only get one in ten kids to sit still long enough to talk to them.


The Defense Department says that lifting the ban on gays serving openly in the military would have little effect on war efforts.  Unless, of course, it's the war on gays serving openly in the military.


Singer Pink announced that she's expecting her first child.  Pink says if the baby's a boy, she may consider changing her name to Blue.


Conan O'Brien's ratings went sky high on Monday night.  Now they've dropped by two thirds.  As a matter of fact, Jay Leno called TBS and said, "Forget it.  I don't want to take over Conan's time slot after all."




Friday, January 22, 2010

Today's Monologue Jokes by Wendel Potter

According to his exit deal with NBC, Conan O'Brien cannot appear on TV until September 1st. That gives Carrot Top seven months to appear on TV without being mistaken for Conan.


This is the fifth straight day of rain in California. At least they're saying it's rain. Actually, it's tears falling from NBC executives as they write Conan a 40 million dollar check.


Burger King has unveiled its plan to open what they call a Whopper Bar next month in Miami. Patrons will be able to order a beer with their Whopper. I can see right now there's going to be a whole lot of super sizing going on.


According to an article in USA Today, a restaurant consultant named Linda Lipsky says that selling beer at Burger King makes sense. She says, "The Burger King customer is aging, so BK is just trying to grow up with the customer." And that's what aging customers need from Burger King...to be able to get hammered at 11 o'clock in the morning.


A judge ruled that Roman Polanski must return to the US for sentencing in his 32-year old child rape case. And while he's in California, Polanski will appear on the game show, "Are You Easier Than a 5th Grader?"