Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

______________

Police in Portland, Oregon stopped Lions' defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh for speeding Thursday afternoon.  I'm not sure how fast Suh was going, but he'd just left Detroit on Thursday morning.


Police also gave Suh a ticket for not carrying proof of insurance.  The Catholic Church gave Rick Santorum a medal for the same thing.




Daylight Saving Time began yesterday.  We set our clocks ahead one hour and Ron Paul changed the batteries in his hearing aid.


Peyton Manning spent over six hours yesterday in meetings with the Arizona Cardinals.  During the first three hours the Cardinals were on the phone to the governor's mansion assuring Jan Brewer that Peyton wasn't entering the state illegally. 


In Colorado, the results of a billboard poll show that 60% of Denver Broncos fans favor quarterback Tim Tebow over Peyton Manning.  Drivers voted by tapping their car horns when they passed a billboard that said "Honk if you love Tebow".


England's Prince Harry sat down for an interview with CBS.  He says he wants people to know how normal he is.  As a matter of fact, he plans to change his name to The Normal Guy Formerly Known As Prince.


How normal can you be when Elton John sees you and curtsies?


It's pretty hard to be normal when you find out as a child that the Wicked Queen in all those fairy tales is your grandmother.


Larry King will return to TV later this year with a new daytime talk show.  He's scheduled between Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz.  Not their shows, just between them in case he requires medical attention.




Larry's 78 years old.  His biggest problem now is that his dentures slip and he keeps interrupting himself.




.........thanks for reading!

______________

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

________

Last night, Larry King played host to George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara.  Larry, George, and Barbara..the only threesome older than the Holy Trinity.


The former president told Larry that the Bush family gets very emotional.  Then he threw up on him.


Tonight, Larry's guest is Dolly Parton.  Dolly Parton and Larry King....the three biggest boobs on TV.


Sarah Palin's new book is hitting the stands today.  It's called America By Heart.  That means she's spelled America correctly without looking at her notes.


In the book, Sarah Palin offers her opinion on episodes in American history.  She says she thinks Lewis and Clark picked up their sack of jawea at a trading post in St. Louis.




It would have been more fitting if Palin's book would have come out yesterday, on November 22nd, since she took a shot at President Kennedy.


Someone asked Sarah Palin if she had Plato on her bookshelf.  She said, "No, I keep it in the can so it won't dry out."


Dancing With The Stars reported that its voting system was overloaded last night.  Moderate Republican texters from Alaska were trying to write in Lisa Murkowski. 


....that's all for tonight and thanks for reading!

________

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

________

Statistics show that the rate of premature births in the U.S. was lower in 2008 than at the end of 2006.  Do you want to know why?  I've figured it out.  The babies that were due in 2008 were born prematurely in 2007!

Boxer Manny Pacquiao won the WBC Super Welterweight title last Saturday night.  Pacquiao has fought in eight different classes.  Eight different classes!  A great boxer, but come on!...the guy has a serious weight problem.

Studies show that cell phone use limits your driving ability as much as having 0.08% alcohol in your blood.  So that's why text messages look like gibberish and make no sense at all.

Wal-mart posted a third quarter profit of 3.4 billion....which is about as many points as the Eagles had posted by the third quarter against the Redskins on Monday night.


In Major League Baseball news,  Seattle pitcher Felix Hernandez has won the Cy Young Award.  Isn't it interesting that today's highly paid ball players win these prestigious awards but they're apparently never good enough to actually have an award named after them?  


It was 147 years ago today that Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address.  He wrote the speech on the back of an envelope.  Today that envelope is worth nearly as much as it would cost to mail it.




When Lincoln practiced his Gettysburg Address, one of his advisers told him,  "I wouldn't change a word of it....except 'refudiate'....you might want to come up with something else."


Happy Birthday today to Larry King.  He's 77.  Yes, it was 77 years ago today that Larry King came into this world...or as his mother put it, "butted in".




The doctor who delivered Larry King ran into a problem.  He didn't know if he was cutting the umbilical cord or a suspender.


The publisher of the National Enquirer has filed for bankruptcy.  At least, that's what I read in The Globe.


This just in...Fox News chief Roger Ailes has apologized for calling National Public Radio executives Nazis.  Ailes said he was sorry and certainly regrets offending any members of the Nazi Party.


......Happy Friday and thanks for reading! 

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

________

A man in Jacksonville, Florida was charged with burglary after authorities discovered his license plate at the scene of the crime.  It was a personalized plate that said: IMSTPD

Rush Limbaugh was married over the weekend.  This was his fourth marriage.  It was reflected in the vows.  Rush promised to "love, honor, and obey until divorce do us part."

Actually, aren't vows kind of meaningless when you're getting married for the fourth time?  Shouldn't you just read the Terms and Conditions? 

You can't take a fourth marriage seriously when the groom's best man is also his divorce lawyer.

Rush's new wife is 33 years old.  Rush says he's happy to be reaching that demographic.

When asked for a comment on Rush Limbaugh's fourth marriage, Larry King said, "Amateur!"

It's being reported that the oil spill in the Gulf is having a serious impact on wild life.  Who wants to party on a beach covered with tar balls? 




Well, Toy Story 3 will open this summer.  At first, I thought PeeWee Herman was in trouble when I heard the ad:  "Woody pops up in theaters again".




Phil Spector's wife, Rachelle, has released her new CD that was produced by her husband.  The CD is called Out of My Chelle.  The title was Rachelle's idea.  Phil was hoping to call it Out of My Cell.

________

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

When Sarah Palin showed up on the Oprah Winfrey Show to plug her new book, she was wearing a little too much makeup on her cheeks. See, Sarah thinks the title of her book is Going Rouge.


Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandson, is baring all for Playgirl magazine. I heard that they're calling the photo shoot "Turkey Undressing".


In Colorado, the parents of the Balloon Boy admitted in court that the whole story about their son being in that runaway balloon was a publicity stunt. However, they said the boy will actually be in the balloon when it flies down 7th Avenue during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.


Former Miss California Carrie Prejean threatened to walk off Larry King Live the other night. She returned to her seat after she found out that a King overrules a Queen.


Carrie Prejean has been back in the news admitting that she appeared in a sex tape that has recently been made public. Apparently the tape shows Ms. Prejean engaged in a solo sex act.
She claims it was part of a study to determine if a California woman can feel a vibrator during an earthquake.


In order to generate business in this economy, Las Vegas hotels are offering incredibly low room rates. Which makes it a wash because in this economy, Vegas hookers are now charging double.