Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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The Pope is now Tweeting.....and at 142 characters, these will be the shortest sermons in the history of the Catholic Church.

It makes sense for the Pope to use Twitter....if you'll notice, Twitter's logo even looks a little like the Holy Spirit.

Michele Bachmann says she's not going to get into a "mud wrestling fight" with Sarah Palin.   Now wait a minute, that could be a GOP event that Democrats might even pay to watch.




Tom Petty asked Michele Bachmann to stop playing his song "American Girl" at her rallies.  Yet she played it again yesterday in South Carolina, but only for 29 seconds....which is all the longer she's given any thought to what she says at her rallies.



Of course, when President Obama speaks, he can fill in 29 seconds with just one "uhhhhh". 



According to a new report, one-third of Americans live with pain.  The other two-thirds make over $250, 000 a year. 



Charlie Sheen says that to get into the role of a baseball pitcher for the movie "Major League", he pumped himself full of steroids.  Well, at least that explains his big head.



After using all those steroids, Charlie has been operating under the assumption that he really is two-and-a-half men. 



As part of her probation, Linday Lohan is being required to take a shoplifters' alternative class.  Today she learned her first alternative to shoplifting...armed robbery.



The current cover of Newsweek shows an artist's concept of what Princess Diana would look like at 50.  Inside the magazine, it shows what Camilla would look like at 95.  Wait a minute, that's an actual photo of Camilla!



Camilla's photos are always touched up.  You can tell....the face has been hairbrushed.

......all for now and thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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Sidney Radner is dead at the age of 91.  Mr. Radner was noted for preserving the props of Harry Houdini.  He was asked on his deathbed where he kept the Houdini collection. He said, "It escapes me."

One of the props Mr. Radner had preserved was Houdini's famous "Chinese Water Torture Cell".  But it turns out he sold that 10 years ago to Dick Cheney.

According to Ted Turner, the most serious problem man has ever faced is climate change.  He says that's even why Jane Fonda left him.  She couldn't handle moving back and forth between Georgia and Montana.


In Ohio, deputies were attempting to detain a woman when she sprayed them with breast milk.  C'mon....those guys should have seen her reaching for her holster.




The woman could face charges of attempted homicide.  One of the deputies is lactose intolerant.


The Supreme Court struck down a California law that bans the sales of of violent video games to children.  The Court also ruled that any retailers who refuse to sell ultraviolent video games to children will be subject to having their hands cut off with a machete.




Michele Bachmann opposes the Supreme Court's ruling.  She says that our children must be protected from anything ultraviolent because the rays can cause skin cancer.




Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been found guilty of 17 counts of corruption and could face up to 300 years in prison.  Which means he'll get out of jail just about the time the United States pays off its loan to China.




...that's it for today and thanks for reading!

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Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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The FBI was called to a Denver shopping mall where they discovered two bombs.....Sears and Blockbuster.


Michele Bachmann is scheduled to officially kick off her presidential campaign on Monday.  She'll do this in the farming state of Iowa where it will be difficult to distinguish what she has to say from the rest of the bullshit lying around. 




Bachmann told CBS's Face the Nation that she's qualified for the presidency because of her experience running a mental health clinic.  So far she's the only inmate from the asylum to announce her candidacy.




She said she would be in favor of eliminating the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour as a means of creating jobs.   That would create plenty of jobs...like the ones left open by the people who quit because they can't work for less than $7.25 an hour.




Michele Bachmann also appeared on Fox News Sunday, where she was asked flat out, "Are you a flake?"  She said no, she wasn't.  Wrong answer if she ever hopes to get a job at Fox News.



Sarah Palin will be in Pella, Iowa on Tuesday for the premiere of her documentary film.  The town is the headquarters for Pella Windows.  Someone from Iowa asked Sarah if she had Pella Windows in Alaska.  She said, "No, I have a Mac."


Iowa gets Bachmann on Monday and Palin on Tuesday.  The Hawkeye State wanted to continue the theme for the remainder of the week,  but the other members of the Keystone Cops are dead.

Sarah Palin suspended her bus tour to return to Alaska for jury duty.  Turns out she didn't get picked to serve because it was a criminal case and she personally knows every crook in the state.


Sarah Palin says that her daughter Bristol's new book is "shocking and honest."  Now I can see where Sarah Palin might be familiar with the concept of shocking.

 

 

In her memoir, Bristol Palin says she was a good girl and a straight-A student and she wasn't convinced that she was pregnant until after her 8th home pregnancy test.  Apparently, she was color blind, too.

In Alaska, those home pregnancy tests will fool you every time.  It's so cold there, everything turns blue.

 

 

The New York State senate has approved same sex marriage.  But I hear that it might be repealed.  The senate didn't realize the bill dealt with gay unions.  They just assumed it had something to do with the fact that after you're married, sex is always pretty much the same.

Jennifer Aniston has the name of her dead dog Norman tattooed on her right foot.  Now, whenever she walks past a fire hydrant, she feels the urge to lift her leg.
  

Today's Jokes by Wendel Potter

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PayPal is suing Google over confidential trade secrets.  Gee, if PayPal wins, I wonder how they'll want to receive their money.

The man who abducted Elizabeth Smart and held her hostage has been sentenced to life in prison.  Shouldn't some creep like that be sentenced to no life in prison?

Oprah spent her first day off the air at home yesterday.  She was really upset, too!  She surfed all the channels and couldn't find "Oprah".


After spending a day in the house, Oprah said she was starting to feel like Lindsay Lohan. 


Oprah's driving Stedman crazy.  Last night, he told her she should look in to volunteer work just to get out of the house.

Hillary Clinton says that Pakistan is a good partner of the United States.  When it comes to partners, do we really want to trust Hillary's judgment?

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann says she has an important announcement to make next month in Iowa.  It's either that she's running for president or she's entering Iowa's annual Miss Corn Cob pageant.


President Obama is in France to attend the G8 summit.  When Sarah Palin heard this, she slapped her forehead and say, "Wow!  I could've have had a G8!"




The G8 summit is a meeting of the world's top economic powers.  So of course, President Obama was there merely as an observer.


MSNBC suspended liberal talk show host Ed Schultz for calling conservative Laura Ingram a "right wing slut".   Liberal sluts across the country say they are grateful to Ed for making the distinction.


..........have a happy Friday evening and thanks for reading!

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