Today's Monologue Jokes by Wendel Potter

This is Groundhog Day.  If the groundhog doesn't see his shadow, it means six more weeks that he doesn't have to shave.


So far 42.1 million people have worn the Avatar 3-D glasses. If those glasses were laid end to end, they would stretch over 3900 miles.....in 3 directions.


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has allegedly spent a hundred thousand dollars on alcohol and snacks while on board Air Force jets over the past two years.  A hundred thousand dollars!  On a commercial airliner that would get you a quart of Jack Daniels and a bag of stale peanuts.


78-year old actor Rip Torn was arrested and is now in rehab after breaking into a bank while carrying a gun.  His lawyer admits that Torn was intoxicated but says the actor did not realize he was in a bank.  He thought he was in the Washington Nationals' locker room.


According to a TMZ report, some members of Conan O'Brien's staff were left with nothing out of the $40 million severance deal NBC cut with the former Tonight Show host.  So O'Brien, who himself received 33 out the 40 mil, has agreed to pay some of those staffers out of his own pocket.  As a matter of fact, Conan's pockets are now so deep, CBS wants him for a Saturday morning revival of Captain Kangaroo.


Admiral Michael Mullen,  chairman of the Joint Chiefs of staff, told a Senate committee today that allowing gays in the military would be the right thing to do.  He said the U.S. Navy, however, would not consider calling a submarine "the Admiral Byrd Cage".


Sarah Palin has taken to her Facebook page to demand that President Obama fire his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel for referring to a plan that would attack Democrats who are opposed to health care legislation as "f---ing retarded".  Palin says Emanuel's remark was disparaging to the disabled.  She went on to say that Emanuel could have more properly and sensitively emphasized his point by saying that the plan was "fucking mentally challenged."